Easter Eggs

Number of Easter Eggs intended for dyeing:  20
Number that survived the difficult boiling and dyeing process:  11

Stephanie's Awards for Preschool Programming

When I had kids, I had no idea that I was about to jump into the over saturated world of preschool programming.  I felt entirely unqualified to choose shows for my children.  There are hundreds of options available, so if there are any new parents out there, here is the 411.  I hope it makes your job easier.

(As we have already established, I think letting your kids watch couple shows a day is, well, necessary.  It allows me to take a shower or mop the floor AND there are really some great educational shows out there.  If you are judging my reliance on the tv to practice good hygeine, please stop reading.)

Most Annoying Shows
Yo Gabba Gabba - Is there anything creepier than a grown man wearing giant glasses, an orange cat suit and a furry hat?  I think not.  Oh, except maybe if he is singing and dancing with androgynous fluffy creatures.  Which he is.

DJ Lance from Yo Gabba Gabba

Runner Up: Cailou.  His name is Cailou.  Pronounced Ky-you.  That's annoying.

(Honorable Mention goes to Imagination Movers.)

Most Educational
The Letter Factory - This Leap Frog DVD is incredible.  When Luke was just about two, he began watching this 30 minute show on occasion during quiet time.  Within a month or so, he had learned all of his letters and letter sounds.  At two, he could identify every upper and lower case letter and tell you their sounds just from watching this DVD.  Two thumbs up, only slightly annoying.

Sid the Science Kid - This PBS show is all about, well, science.  It does an excellent job at explaining difficult concepts to preschoolers.  Examples of topics include, inertia, why food decays, how to make clean air, inclined planes, microscopes, etc.  There is enough music and terrible kid jokes to make this appeal to the little ones.  I could never explain some of these concepts as well as the show does.  Two thumbs up for content. 

Most Likely to Put You to Sleep
Mickey Mouse Clubhouse - Hands down.  It is the most mind-numbing show out there.  It could be used as anesthetic at the dentist.  Toddlers and preschoolers alike are mesmerized by the colors and love to follow Mickey and his friends while they solve painfully simple puzzles.  This is a good choice if you need to snooze on the couch for an extra 20 minutes.  Your interest will not be peaked unless you need practice counting to ten.  The iritating "Hot Dog" song at the end will wake you up and signal your children may require attention.

Dora the Explorer - Dora has a monkey, a singing backpack and a talking map.  She has parents, but they let her run all over Mexico talking to trolls and making friends with potentially dangerous animals.  Each episode follows a formula, like Mickey Mouse.  If you have seen one, you have seen them all.  I don't get it, but kids flip for Dora and it is educational.  Soooo boring.  Pro - your kids will know what a map is. 

Best for Parents
Sesame Street - While Sesame Street is pretty slow in the beginning, the producers sometimes pepper the show with adult jokes which make it bearable.  They also feature celebrities, sometimes singing, acting or introducing a new word or concept.  Jason Bateman on Sesame Street? Yes, please.  Nora Jones, Jack Black, Garth Brooks, Jennifer Garner, LL Cool J and Dave Matthews are just a few celebrities I have recently seen on Sesame Street.  Elmo is a big hit with the youngest kids!  I am going to assume you know about Sesame Steet.

Movies - There are dozens of recent movies that are fun for children and parents alike.  Almost anything in the Disney / Pixar family.  Despicable Me, Toy Story, Kung Fu Panda, Shrek, Cars, Tangled....all of these and more are entertaining for the whole family.  The only major drawback is I prefer to let my kids watch 20-30 minutes of tv at a time.  With movies, I feel like were are laying around for way too long.  We save these for 'movie night' with popcorn and when the kids are tired and cranky.

Most Fun
Timmy Time / Shaun the Sheep - Both my children LOVE these British shows.  Timmy is the baby sheep with his own spin-off.  There is no actual dialogue.  It is from the creators of Wallace and Grommit and all of the animals speak in their animal voices.  My kids laugh out loud at this show, which I love, and they learn to express and read feelings through non-verbal communication.  Watching them crack up makes it fun for me. 

Timmy and his friend, the owl

I figure if my children are going to watch tv, at least I should know what they are watching and be able to engage them in conversation about it.

I hope you have enjoyed my awards.  Are there any shows you guys really like or dislike?  I would love to hear your opinions.

Crazy T Ball Mom

When I was about 10, my family went to visit our Russian/Rusyn relatives in Connecticut.  My Great Aunt Helen was always so kind to me and I enjoyed being around her so much.  However, it is important to note that my Great Aunt Helen was also one of the loudest people I have ever known.

As a kid, I found her wonderful and exciting, but she was completely embarrassing in public because anyone within 20 feet of us could always hear our entire conversation.  No topic seemed sacred or required any type of hushed voice.  On the previously mentioned trip to New England, Aunt Helen was so incredibly cool, she took me to Bloomingdale's.  OMG.

I thought I was so chic to have been to Bloomingdale's that I bored the crap out of my friends talking about it back in Kentucky.  I'm pretty sure I kept the shopping bag for a year.  However, in Bloomingdale's I was so trying to be cool and there was Aunt Helen, voice at 872 decibels asking if I needed new underwear. 

Somewhere between 1991 and 2011, I have become my Aunt Helen. 

This week, I heard myself shouting and cheering at t ball practice.  "Luke!!  Drop the bat and run to first base!!!!"  Ummmm.....he's four.  Jon had to give me the stink eye.  It was practice.  It wasn't even a game and I just couldn't help but cheer for every kid. 

I am sooooo going to be the most embarrassing mom ever. 

My filter gets weaker and weaker every day.  Does anyone want to share gory details of labor and delivery?  Count me in!  Are we at a formal function in this scenario?  Who cares!?!  Let's talk afterbirth!

I'd say about 75% of what I think comes flying out of my mouth.  Is it just age?  Having children?  Confidence in myself and my ideas?  Loneliness from talking to small children most of the day? 

Have any of you guys noticed an increase in what you say in public? 

Whatever it is, I will never be accused of being a wallflower. 

Neither would Aunt Helen. 

How could I forget!

One of the biggest reasons I was upset was an incident that occured on Thursday!

I took Luke to the dentist, a new dentist, to have his teeth cleaned.  Both the kids were not great in the waiting room, but not completely terrible.  They were normal.  Luke was AMAZING when they cleaned his teeth.  He was so brave and did a great job.

It is also important to note that I have a dental appointment next week.

As the dentist turns to leave after his exam, she looks at me and says, "Hopefully we will see you by yourself next week." 

OMG.  Clearly she does not want my business.

A week without Jon....

So, we survived Monday-Friday this week sans husband.  Obviously, I could not mention this before as I do not like to invite people to break into my house.  (Although if you do, be warned, I might shoot you.)

Anyway, we did really well until Thursday.  Thursday brought on a serious case of the sniffly crazy Stephanie for no real reason. 

Well, not 100% true.  There were two or three reasons.  Allie and the lack of sleep she caused was the first.  After shots Wednesday, Allie probably woke up every 15 minutes Wednesday night, so I was pretty worn out when 6am rolled around and Alligator was declaring herself "hungeee!  hungeee!"  Why did I schedule shots when hubs was out of town?

Also, I was sensitive because something has been nagging at my self esteem.  Why, at nearly 32, do I still care when I know someone doesn't like me?  I mean it's cool if we don't talk all the time, we don't have to be besties, but when someone actively takes a stance to not be friends with me, it drives me crazy.  I know it's irrational, but there it is.  I still care. 

And, just to make sure he wasn't left out, Luke decided to develop a listening problem at home and at school.  Fantastic.  Every parent's dream.

On a positive note, I did work out everyday and twice on Friday.  Why?  Partly because swim season is around the corner and partly because I really love my zumba class.  But the biggest reason I worked out is............. free childcare.  One hour to not be in charge of someone else.  It is my rock. 

So, by Friday it was just time for Jon to come back and restore my sanity.  It is also hilarious to me that I have become so used to having a 'normal' life.  When Jon was gone for 13 months I didn't have very many pity parties.  Now, he leaves for 4 days and I can hardly hack it.  I'm becoming a softie.

Sorry this post is all over the place, but I have had my hands full.

(PS - I have to admit, having full control over the tv and the entire bed was completely awesome.)

The Pick-Up Trophy

My husband is a genius. 

Our almost four year old despises picking up his toys.  I mean, I understand no one likes to clean, but this has become a problem.  Lots of tears, lots of punishments, lots of tripping on cars and Transformers.

After a particularly unpleasant afternoon, Jon came up with the idea to award 'The Pick-Up Trophy' to whoever picks up the most toys. 

I had my doubts as to how this would play out, but I had seriously underestimated my son's competitive nature.  Apparently he will do pretty much anything for a trophy and bragging rights over his sister. 

All I have to say is, "Who wants to win the pick up trophy?" and he actually comes running, scouring the room for toys to pick up.  (Sorry to be blatantly sexist, but he is SUCH a guy.)  I am constantly debating the whole nature vs. nurture thing with the kids and this is definitely a point for nature. 

The actual trophy is some military award that Jon won for marching the fastest or something (I can't imagine where Luke gets his competitiveness), but you could use whatever you have in your house.  The rule is whoever wins the pick up trophy gets to display it in their room until it is time to pick up again when the contest starts over.   

Brilliant idea, hubs.  Thank you. 

Luke proudly displaying his trophy.

Allie's New Words

My baby girl is now officially 18 months old!  During the past few months her vocabulary has exploded! 

With my first child, I taught him the word for EVERYTHING.  Poor Allie has had to learn most of it on her own.  Of course, Jon actually recently called her 'motormouth' because she rarely stops talking, so I don't think she is suffering from my lack of hovering. 

Some of my new favorite words of hers are Transformers, Autobot, thanks you, I get you!, and sheeps.  I guess having an older brother is influencing her vocabulary.  

My favorite though, is "I ov oooo!"

I ov ooo too Alliegator. 

Where is my iPod?

Fact:  Once you have children, they begin to hide, steal and misplace your favorite and/or most necessary things.

Going to the recycling center is super fun because..... I always find something at the bottom of the bin.  Today, it was the bottle of ketchup that I KNEW I bought and swore it was left at the checkout.  It was on my receipt, but no ketchup.  Alas, two weeks later, as I get to the bottom of the bin, there lies a giant, unopened, family sized bottle of Heinz. 

There were also two princess blocks and a hair clip.  BUT, my favorite recycling bin find was several months ago when I discovered the thermometer.  Yes, the same thermometer I use to check my children's temperature had gone missing and was found floating in the sticky mess that accompanies the bottom of the bin.  You know, left over soda drops and random bits of cardboard. 

So, this brings me to my current problem.  My iPod was last seen approximately four weeks ago.  Allie was using it to call Elmo, and I have never seen it again.  Since, I actually need it for work, this is a problem.  I have run out of places to look.  All toy boxes have been emptied, all couch cushions overturned, and no iPod. 

I guess it in the same place as the dozen sets of nail clippers I have purchased over the past 10 years. I will let you guys know if I ever find it, but I am starting the think it may have ended up in the trash can. 

Thank You, Reader

Dear Reader,

I am sorry it has been a couple weeks since my last post.  We have been traveling and I can't seem to get on top of things after the trip.  You know, laundry, groceries, putting Transformers together.....it's all very time consuming. 

I did want to thank my 27 'followers'  for reading this blog.  Can you believe I have had nearly 2000 views?  Well, it's no 'The Facebook', but I'm pleased with it.  The power of the Internet never ceases to amaze me. 

Therapist for A Day

Do you ever just want to complain about a thousand things that are driving you crazy?  I guess that's why rich people have therapists....to listen to them complain and then they can be all smiles on TV. 

My poor husband and patient girlfriends are usually the recipients of this hostility, but today is your lucky day.

First up on my OMG list.....Why are the two roads to my house literally lined with trash?  I mean, who actually throws soda bottles out their car window? .It is 2011.  Everyone knows that litter is bad for the environment and wildlife.  If you don't know this by know, read a book.  Then find a trash can.  OR, you can follow my example and let it pile up in your car for a month.  Either way, throwing it out the window is not acceptable. 

Secondly, I live in the country.  One of the perks to living in the country is that you can burn fires on your property.  However, for the past three nights someone has been burning what smells like rubber tires and releases a terrible gray smoke that we have to breathe.  Seriously, you can't really think that is OK. 

Finally, in a completely unrelated topic, why when I punish my child, I am the one who feels terrible?  I asked Luke to pick up his cars and he replied, "Nah, I don't feel like it."  I in turn, took two of his most special cars as punishment for not listening and arguing with me.  Twenty minutes of crying later, the end result is that he went to bed early, still crying, and I feel terrible.  Being the Mom is hard. 

Thanks for listening.  I feel better now. 

My Confession

Confession:  I am a hoarder. Maybe not to the extent that I would be on the show Hoarders, but in my own quirky way, I certainly have a hard time letting things go. 

Recently, while yielding to my parents request that I finally go through my things in their basement, I came across some ridiculous items to have saved. 

For example, I saved dozens of little folded notes from my friends all the way back to elementary school.  (Meghann, if you are reading this, we wrote A LOT of notes in fifth grade.  And just to answer your last question, no, I do not want to 'go with' Brad.  And yes, I do want to spend the night with you Friday.)

What sane person would keep these notes for over twenty years? 

What about the carved, wooden key chain that says 'Stephanie' from King's Island?  There's a keeper. 

Has anyone ever actually gone back and read their seventh grade social studies binder? 

How about a program from a high school sports banquet or my fourth grade cheerleading uniform? 

Why did I keep these things? 

As a VERY young child, I can remember hoarding Halloween candy until Easter.  I would not use stickers or special markers because I didn't want to waste them.  I would hoard them until they just never got used.  Seriously, it's not like I grew up in the Great Depression 

If my hoarding practices continue, I will never be able to get rid of anything my children have ever made, touched, watched or played with.  This is how it happens - how people get buried in their houses. 

I have nearly every paper Luke has ever colored or painted.  I realize this is not practical and I also had a revelation recently of how insane my sentimental hoarding is.  My sweet husband had cleaned the kitchen, and gasp, threw out some of Luke's art.  While I know this was probably the right decision, tears literally sprang to my eyes.

Selling and giving away my children's clothes is a heart wrenching affair.  While I am doing pretty well, let's just say the 'keep forever' pile is pretty big. 

I am curious.  Are there certain items any of you have a hard time parting with?  Any good methods of sorting the special from the expendable? 

Maybe I will practice this weekend by finally parting with my VHS collection. 

Footnote:  I did get rid of many things when Jon and I got married.  I had to sell my house and most of the things in it to move to Europe with him.  I felt like I had sold all my worldly possessions except the nine boxes I mailed myself.  I guess I didn't get rid of as much as I thought.

Wanted: Neighbors with Kids

Having good neighbors when you have children is a lifesaver.  If you are considering a move and you have small children, I highly encourage you choose a house primarily based on your neighbors.  OK - maybe not primarily, but good neighbors can make life sooo much easier! 

Survey the neighborhood, conduct interviews if necessary, or lurk in your car in the evenings before you make an offer!  Good neighbors that also have kids will keep you sane - especially if you live the nomadic existence of a military family. 

These are just a few of the reasons I LOVE my neighbors with kids.     

1.  You do not have to plan a play date in advance with your neighbors.  Your conversation or text goes something like this, "Hey neighbor, are you guys dressed?  Great, let's meet outside in 10 minutes." This is much easier than trying to coordinate a play date for next week.  You can wait until the very last minute to make plans and take out the variables of your child's mood and health that always interfere with scheduled play dates. 

2.  Very little time is invested if one of your children decides to act like a heathen.  You just walk home.

3.  You aren't expected to provide snacks.

4.  You aren't expected to provide entertainment.  No complicated craft project for the neighborhood kids!  They can play with toys or play outside. 

5.  You house is not expected to be 'clean' for company.  Your neighbors can see your house as it really is.  I mean, I can't fake being a good housekeeper forever.  If I invite 'new people' over for a play date, I spend all day cleaning.  If you know me very well, you know this is really like lying.

6.  Once sports, activities and school starts, imagine the car pooling possibilities!

7.  You always have a handy sitter if something comes up. 

8.  You get to enjoy watching your kids grow up together. 

Thank you to my great neighbors!  What would I do without you?

Spinning, Spinning

Spinning class is the ultimate class for shedding pounds at the gym.  For obvious reasons, I have been terrified to actually try it.  I much prefer to fool myself into thinking I have worked out by be-bopping around on the treadmill watching the Today show or taking a Zumba class.

For SIX MONTHS, I would casually glance into the spinning class, and from the looks on poor souls faces, I just didn't think I could hack it.  These people were in really good shape and look how difficult it seemed for them!

Last week, my kids were driving me absolutely crazy.  I decided to go to the gym so I could unload them on the poor, unsuspecting child care worker for an hour.  This hour - would be during spin class.  

I psyched myself up.  Today was the day.  I thought if I could take my frustrations with the children out on the bike, I might feel better.
Of course, we were late, so I almost didn't go in, but I knew if I didn't do it that day, it would be six more months.  So......I DID IT!  I didn't fall off the bike, I didn't pass out, I didn't even have to take a real break!  I took all of my negative energy a put it into those pedals. 

I am so glad I finally got the first one out of the way.  It was tough, but I felt great afterwards.  Conquering a fear, even one as minor as spin class felt amazing AND it renewed my energy to take on parenting. 

At least for a few more hours. 

Deep Thoughts.......by Luke

My three year old often reminds me that children perceive an entirely different world than we do.

This morning, we were driving home from the gym, talking about who he shared his trains with.  After a thoughtful pause, he asked, "Mommy.  Why did you marry Daddy?"

Hmmmm....good question....I should choose my words carefully.  "I married your Daddy because I love him and I wanted to be able to live wherever he lives."  This is true. 

Luke quickly responded, "Was everybody else already married?"  

OK, clearly the idea I would choose to marry Jon over other people was not one Luke could accept. 

"No Luke, lots of people weren't married then.  I picked Daddy because I liked him the best.  And, some people never get married, and that's OK too."

"But Mommy, why did you pick the one with no hair?"

"You BETTER say........"

What do you MAKE your kids say?

Of course, we say please and thank you, yes sir, no mam, and all those goodies.  But what about making them say things that should come from their own feelings?

Do you make them say "I love you" to each other?  Or at least back when one person says it? 

If we do, are we teaching them to say things they don't mean?  If we don't, are we letting them get by with anti-social behaviors and hurting the feelings of others? 

I mean, I know they do love each other, but do we make them say it to spare the other one's feelings?  I am confused. 

Hearing my own words, "LUKE!  Tell your sister you love her, too." sounded really absurd.  You can't make someone tell another person they love them.  But she was so wounded by his lack of affection.  What to do?

Do you make your kids say "I'm sorry" when they don't mean it?  I do, but should I?  Really? 

It's not just as simple as a mumbled apology from my three year old.  That kid is NOT saying anything he doesn't want to.  It turns into a full out battle over something that may have been minor. 

Just thinking......what do you make your kids say?

American Idol

I watched American Idol Seasons 2-4 and I loved it.  Over time, life got busy, we lived overseas, had babies and frankly, it got old.

I decided to give the new Idol a shot, really just to check out the new judges.  I couldn't imagine how the show would make it without Simon!  I could not have been more wrong.

I have never been a fan of the audition shows.  I don't like it when they make fun of people, it doesn't give me pleasure to see normal people embarrassed by celebrities.  That said....

Jennifer Lopez is absolutely radiant.  I can't take my eyes off of her. 

I am developing a serious crush on Jennifer Lopez AND Stephen Tyler.

Stephen Tyler is 100% musician.  He cannot sit there and listen to good music without singing along, moving, drumming.....his entire body emulates the feeling of the music.  It is hard not to admire someone who is so passionate about their craft.  A little pervy on the young girls....but hey, he's a rock star.

I am totally sold, and much to hubby's dismay, DVRing the entire season.  Two thumbs up!!!

Idol producers, you could have left off the mentally ill contestants in Nashville.  Not nice.

Judge not lest ye also be.....crap. I did it again.

Why is is so hard not to judge other parent's choices? 

Sitting in the 7th layer of hell, otherwise known as the Chic-Fil-A playground, I was making small talk with another mom.  She seemed very nice and we were pleasantly chatting.  I mentioned that Allie had her fifteen month shots yesterday and she wasn't quite herself today.  The lady replied, "Oh, 'Billy' hasn't had any shots since he was two months old.  He had a bad reaction."

What!?!  Did she just say her nearly three year old child, who is playing on a public playground, has had no full immunizations?  This isn't the flu shot we are talking about, this kid could be carrying measles, mumps or rubella, while my little Allie JUST had these shots yesterday.

I immediately thought, this lady is insane - and a public health hazard.  Judge, judge, judge.  So...I continue to chat and think maybe that's just her hang up, nobody is perfect.  Then she said, "Billy has never taken a bottle.  He still nurses."

Here I go again.  The kid is three.  3.  Drei.  Tres.  Can you imagine a little parasite leeching from your chest for THREE years!  Shoot me now.  That kid has teeth.  This one really was a judgement.  Obviously, this mom cares about her child and breast milk won't HURT him, it's just not a choice I would make. 

Would I want this women to look at my overgrown eyebrows and no makeup and make a judgement about me?  I would rather she didn't.  What about the lady who watched me spank Luke in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot one day?  That was classy.  (Both the spanking AND being at Piggly Wiggly.)

We judge other parents by how their kids are dressed, how their child acts, how they discipline (or if they don't:-)).  I have to constantly remind myself that we are just seeing tiny snapshots of their lives.  We have no idea where they came from or where they are going.   

At any given time, I could be found doing something that probably wouldn't earn a nomination for mother of the year, so I am going to keep trying to have an open mind.  Just don't sit your disease carrying child next to me or whip out your 'teet-teet' (as a three year old might ask for it) at Chic-Fil-A. 

Dear Mom Jeans,

I owe you an apology.  Before I had kids, I made fun of you, mom jeans.  I heartlessly considered the women who wore you to be out of date, out of style and downright fashion disasters.  I had such cruel thoughts when your wearers passed. 

Mom jeans, I vowed that you and I would never become friends.  I vowed that I no matter how bad the scars of pregnancy left my body, I would never stoop to your level.  

Mom jeans, please accept my most humble apology.  I am so sorry that I ever dissed you.  Now I know that you are the greatest piece of women's clothing ever constructed.

Your stretchy front panel keeps my muffin top so tightly flattened.  Your super high waist and long zipper create the illusion of a smooth surface all the way up to my chest. 

Mom jeans, you are always affordable.  Please don't ever cross over to the dark side of corporate America and raise your prices.  We need you.  We need you to raise our sagging bottoms and tighten our thighs. 

Now I understand why you are the top choice of moms all over America.   I will always be faithful.  Please forgive me.  If I could only choose one article of women's clothing to keep for the rest of my life, it would be you.

Love,
Stephanie

Birthday Parties, Schmirthday Parties

It's that time of year again.  Time to start planning Luke's birthday party.  This used to be something I really looked forward to.   


Since I had kids, I have had my eyes opened to a new world of party madness for the 1-5 year old set.  The "Keeping up with the Jones'" mentality is illustrated no where better than in children's birthday parties.   Here is the new check list for a 'socially acceptable' birthday party.  If you aren't doing these things, you might as well just post a big sign on your kid that says, 'My family is poor and they don't love me."


Theme.  You must have a theme.  Princessess, Cars, Mickey Mouse, Tractors, Hello Kitty...Apparently "Happy Birthday" is no longer a theme. 

Fantastic location.  Examples: gymnastics center, cruise ship, Chuck E. Cheese, a museum, hotel banquet room, swimming pool, Disney World, etc.  Having your party at home?  Hmmmm....how quaint.  (My husband would probably prefer a location party, just to avoid the cleaning frenzy that is required before hosting a party at home.  However, the cheapness of our house always wins.)

Coordinating supplies This includes, but is not limited to invitations, plates, napkins, decorations, table clothes, confetti, cups, banner, balloons....the sky is the limit.  Really good parents even get these items personalized. 

Coordinating cake.  The cake is still the most pure form of the child's birthday celebration.  I personally, enjoy making my kid's birthday cakes.  They may not be pretty, but I like doing it. 

Organized games.  If you Google something like 'Cars party games' you will be MORTIFIED at how elaborate some of these parties are.  I came across one mom who started building props for the  games six months before the actual party!  She worked on painting and constructing every weekend for six months.  And seemed really proud of it.  Ugh.  Maybe as kids get a little older structure is good, but for my little ones, no one ever wants to do the 'activities' I have planned.  Maybe I just plan crappy activites.  Or maybe if I picked a cooler location activities aren't an issue.
If I remember correctly, at Luke's 3rd birthday party, most of the kids played on a dirt mound behind our house for about four hours.  Or how about this?  How about we can play with the thousands of dollars worth of toys in our house?  Small children don't want to be told what to do....other people's toys are usually interesting enough. 

Full meal. This full meal must be able to be enjoyed by children and parents alike, otherwise you have to have two meals.  Luckily, you can still get away with pizza. 

Supercute Birthday Shirt/Outfit. This shirt/outfit can acceptably be purchased at Gymboree or from Carter's as long as it says "Birthday Girl" or "I'm Three Today."  Really good parents obviously order these outfits from etsy or a boutique and have them personalized.  (guilty.)

Treat Bags.  This one really gets me.  Who decided the best way to show little Tommy you appreciate him coming to your party was by giving him a bag of crap?  Not to mention environmentally irresponsible.  How about a plastic frog, plastic maze, a pad of paper, an eraser and a pencil?  I have been told this idea came about to make it easier for the child not getting presents to feel like he left with something.  Ummm....how about he got some cake and to play with his friends?  Isn't being the one who gets the presents part of what makes birthdays special?  I don't think teaching your kid it's just not their turn to get presents is a bad thing.  I mean really, you wouldn't want to pay for 20 kids to eat pizza and play at Chuck E. Cheese and then send them home empty handed.  How rude.   


All this costs more than what we spent on our kids for Christmas!  And Christmas was really over the top! 

In my humble opinion, which I am sure you have enough of today, as long as you do something your child likes to do with people that love them, it's you have given them a good birthday.  Try not to beat yourself up not throwing the party of the century.  There really are still plenty of children in the world that have never had a birthday party.   

Now where did I put that DJ's phone number?

The Perfect Family Photo

Ever since Baby Allie joined our family over a year ago, I have been desperate to get the perfect picture of our completed family.  I have scheduled at least four different sessions with the dream of getting that one frameable photo I can admire for the rest of my life.

Every holiday, birthday, or special event, I dream of what outifts we are all going to be wearing when we finally get the perfect family photo.  I shop diligently to find the kids matching clothes and something I can wear to subtly coordinate. (Like it totally wasn't planned.) 

Really sweet, hardworking photographers have tried to help me accomplish this life long dream, but even their talent and professional equiptment cannot force all four our my family members to look at the camera and smile at the same time.  Even our Christmas card featured two seperate pictures of our children because we could not get a picture of them together that was Christmas card worthy.  (An admittedly very high standard.)

You would think the most obvious problem would be getting the baby to smile and look in the right direction.  While this is indeed tricky, I have two bigger problems.

The first one is getting this little guy to stay in the same place.  Additionally, when the camera comes out, Luke makes bizarre faces I have never even seen.  (see below)  He is trying to smile, but it is absolutely terrible.  The only way to make him truly laugh is to randomly shout a potty word, like 'fart' or 'poo poo.'  Yes, I have even gone down that desperate path, but it is very hard for the rest of us do look pretty while shouting "tootie, toot, toot". 

Luke 'smiles' for the camera.

The second major problem is getting this big guy to smile.

Hubby's true feelings about pictures are captured in this heartwarming Ryall classic.

We all know my husband is a trained killer.  He's not going to lose any street cred by smiling.  This expression has appropriately earned him the nickname 'Angry Jon' by his comrades.  And this isn't even his really mean face.  Try explaining this picture to your friends who have never met him.  "He really is a sweet guy.  This just isn't a good picture.  No really, he doesn't kick babies.  That's just his natural expression." 

Also, I am forbidden to dress the hubby for pictures, so his wardrobe is always a crap shoot.  This lack of control  stresses me out infinitely, which is probably why he does it.  (As you can see, I did choose his shirt in the above photo.  It was not a good day at the Ryall house.)

Where does this unhealthy need to have a perfect family photo come from?  There was an episode of Modern Family where Claire says she just wants to remember her children exactly as they are in that minute, which is probably true for most of you.  (And also a hilarious episode for my fellow control freak mommies.)

I, on the other hand, have a cynical belief that someone in my immediate family is going to die suddenly and we will never have a complete family picture.  While this may sound completely insane to some, I have had some pretty crazy experiences that have led me to this belief.  The day after my son was born, we discovered a brain hemmorage that caused seizures and apnea, and just over a year later my husband took an IED to the face in Afghanistan, causing brain injuries and about a billion other problems.  So, from where I have been sitting, we need to get this picture pronto before someone has an aneurysm. 

The bottom line is I will never have a pefect family photo unless I get a new family.......and I would never do that.  Maybe it's time to live in the moment rather than try to capture the moment.

I am actually holding Allie's arm because she just punched me in the face. 
That is why Jon is smiling.  And Luke....well, say 'cheeeese!!!!

I would love to see your favorite family photos!

PS - The inspiration for this piece was actually a photo session from last summer.  It was the worst group of pictures I have ever seen.  We went to a 'studio' which shall rename nameless and did not purchase a single picture.  We couldn't have taken worse pictures if we had said, "Ok.  Everyone make the worst face you can think of."  The poses were sooo awkward and Luke actually looked like he was being strangled in one.  The pictures were removed from their website a while back and I am wishing I had purchased them just for the laughs they provided.  I did contact the company, so if they really still exist in cyberspace I am looking forward to posting them.

My Kids Aren't Going to Watch TV (And Other Stupid Things I Said Before I Had Kids)

We all did it.  We all talked with our friends at dinner, in our dorms, on the phone.  We all talked about how our kids would NEVER do xyz. 

Ha!  That is all I have to say.  I would like to publicly appologize to everyone I ever thought I would be a better parent than.

When I was pregnant with my first child, my husband and I had a long list of things we would and wouldn't do.  The first, and probably most laughable, was the idea that if we never gave our son a pacifer, he wouldn't know what he was missing and we would never have that five year old with the pacifer problem.  (Of course, the pacifer would be known by it's proper name, not binky or bop or another silly name.)

This obviously lasted about 15 minutes after he was born.  Pacifers are the world's greatest invention (next to DVR, of course). 

Then there is the classic, I won't use TV as a babysitter.  I have to admit I did put up a noble effort on the TV front for about a year.  Then, well, sometimes life just happens.  My husband was injured in Afghanistan in 2008, when Luke was 16 months old.  (Another story for another day.)  We moved into a hotel room in Texas while he was in the hospital and guess what Luke did?  He learned to watch TV.  He was a natural.

Then when our second came along, TV became my best friend.  In fairytale land I would have Luke engaged in art or play-doh as I prepared to nurse the baby, which would last the scheduled 15 minutes and then we would all go play outside.  I know some of you are belly laughing now because this NEVER EVER HAPPENED.  I meant for it to, I would have liked that, but in reality, it just didn't happen.  Sometimes TV was the only way to keep at least one child (or Mommy) from crying.

Let's see...my kids weren't going to eat fast food, they would only eat at the table, my furniture would not be sticky, they wouldn't run around in restaurants, would eat all veggies, wouldn't play in the Chuck E. Cheese germ factory, would never go out in their pajamas.....the list goes on. 

Why am I telling you this?  To remind you that you are a good parent.  Even if your kid is in Pull-Ups until first grade and watches Sesame Street over his cold, sugary cereal every morning, you are doing a great job. No one tells you that your kids are going to come programmed with their own little personalities and you can't change them.  Why would you want to?   Sometimes you just have to use the resources you have available, even if it's....gasp....the third show they have watched today. 

My Baby Ate My Brain

I used to be smart.  Really. 


When I became pregnant, a strange thing happened.  I started forgetting simple facts.  I couldn't recall 'big' words.  Tasks that were once easy were suddenly completely overwhelming.  I would know what I wanted to say, but I had no way to say it. 


I had developed a sudden and acute case of Mommy Brain.

My mother suffered from Mommy Brain and my brother and I teased her relentlessly.  She used to say things like, "Get off the table and set the phone!" or "Get the sporks and foons!"  She would somehow never call anyone by the right name.  Example, "Jon, Mark, Ted, Josh.....whatever your name is!"  She recently told me she was using the 'epileptical machine'.  (That's an eliptical machine if you don't have Mom Brain.)


We of course thought she had just been born with an intellectual inferiority that we somehow avoided through good genetic fortune.  I now realize that there was probably a time when my mother did not have Mommy Brain.


As I was sitting in a board meeting today (my first professional meeting in five years), I realized my Mommy Brain had eaten my Professional Brain.  The chairperson looked at me and said "Stephanie, so tell us what brings you here."


Simple enough....it's a straightforward question.  My heart started racing, my eyes went wide and nowhere in my Mommy Brain was a intelligent sentence forming.  Why am I here?  Ummmmm..... Why am I here? 


I was smiling like the village idiot as my always plaguing red hives crept up my neck and face.  Why didn't I wear a turtleneck?  Ugh...  Twenty pairs of eyes were staring at me, anxious to know what brought this fresh 'young' face to their organization.  My only consolation was that appearing nervous is typically received in an endearing fashion and it sets the bar low.  I could only go up from here. 

(The end of this story is very lame.  I mumbled something about community involvement and proceded to busy myself with fictitious notes.)


Anyhow, this disease has caused me to find objects, such as my cell phone, in the refrigerator.  It once caused me to shop for nearly two hours in Wal-Mart with two small children AND go through the entire check out process before I realized my wallet was at home.    

My SIL had a Mommy Brain experience that still makes me laugh when I think of it.  She was on an elevator full of adults and somehow bumped her head.  She then said, outloud, "Oh Bonk!"  as if her one year old had bumped her head. 


If I had known having kids was going to kill so many brain cells, I would have chosen a more fun route, like smoking copious amounts of pot.

The worst part of Mommy Brain is it blurs the line between appropriate and inappropriate.  Is poop an appropriate topic?  I think most of those with Mommy Brain would say yes. 


If you have suffered from Mommy Brain, sharing your best moments makes us feel better about ours. 
I know I have a dozen hilarious Mommy Brain stories, but I can't remember any of them.