American Idol

I watched American Idol Seasons 2-4 and I loved it.  Over time, life got busy, we lived overseas, had babies and frankly, it got old.

I decided to give the new Idol a shot, really just to check out the new judges.  I couldn't imagine how the show would make it without Simon!  I could not have been more wrong.

I have never been a fan of the audition shows.  I don't like it when they make fun of people, it doesn't give me pleasure to see normal people embarrassed by celebrities.  That said....

Jennifer Lopez is absolutely radiant.  I can't take my eyes off of her. 

I am developing a serious crush on Jennifer Lopez AND Stephen Tyler.

Stephen Tyler is 100% musician.  He cannot sit there and listen to good music without singing along, moving, drumming.....his entire body emulates the feeling of the music.  It is hard not to admire someone who is so passionate about their craft.  A little pervy on the young girls....but hey, he's a rock star.

I am totally sold, and much to hubby's dismay, DVRing the entire season.  Two thumbs up!!!

Idol producers, you could have left off the mentally ill contestants in Nashville.  Not nice.

Judge not lest ye also be.....crap. I did it again.

Why is is so hard not to judge other parent's choices? 

Sitting in the 7th layer of hell, otherwise known as the Chic-Fil-A playground, I was making small talk with another mom.  She seemed very nice and we were pleasantly chatting.  I mentioned that Allie had her fifteen month shots yesterday and she wasn't quite herself today.  The lady replied, "Oh, 'Billy' hasn't had any shots since he was two months old.  He had a bad reaction."

What!?!  Did she just say her nearly three year old child, who is playing on a public playground, has had no full immunizations?  This isn't the flu shot we are talking about, this kid could be carrying measles, mumps or rubella, while my little Allie JUST had these shots yesterday.

I immediately thought, this lady is insane - and a public health hazard.  Judge, judge, judge.  So...I continue to chat and think maybe that's just her hang up, nobody is perfect.  Then she said, "Billy has never taken a bottle.  He still nurses."

Here I go again.  The kid is three.  3.  Drei.  Tres.  Can you imagine a little parasite leeching from your chest for THREE years!  Shoot me now.  That kid has teeth.  This one really was a judgement.  Obviously, this mom cares about her child and breast milk won't HURT him, it's just not a choice I would make. 

Would I want this women to look at my overgrown eyebrows and no makeup and make a judgement about me?  I would rather she didn't.  What about the lady who watched me spank Luke in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot one day?  That was classy.  (Both the spanking AND being at Piggly Wiggly.)

We judge other parents by how their kids are dressed, how their child acts, how they discipline (or if they don't:-)).  I have to constantly remind myself that we are just seeing tiny snapshots of their lives.  We have no idea where they came from or where they are going.   

At any given time, I could be found doing something that probably wouldn't earn a nomination for mother of the year, so I am going to keep trying to have an open mind.  Just don't sit your disease carrying child next to me or whip out your 'teet-teet' (as a three year old might ask for it) at Chic-Fil-A. 

Dear Mom Jeans,

I owe you an apology.  Before I had kids, I made fun of you, mom jeans.  I heartlessly considered the women who wore you to be out of date, out of style and downright fashion disasters.  I had such cruel thoughts when your wearers passed. 

Mom jeans, I vowed that you and I would never become friends.  I vowed that I no matter how bad the scars of pregnancy left my body, I would never stoop to your level.  

Mom jeans, please accept my most humble apology.  I am so sorry that I ever dissed you.  Now I know that you are the greatest piece of women's clothing ever constructed.

Your stretchy front panel keeps my muffin top so tightly flattened.  Your super high waist and long zipper create the illusion of a smooth surface all the way up to my chest. 

Mom jeans, you are always affordable.  Please don't ever cross over to the dark side of corporate America and raise your prices.  We need you.  We need you to raise our sagging bottoms and tighten our thighs. 

Now I understand why you are the top choice of moms all over America.   I will always be faithful.  Please forgive me.  If I could only choose one article of women's clothing to keep for the rest of my life, it would be you.

Love,
Stephanie

Birthday Parties, Schmirthday Parties

It's that time of year again.  Time to start planning Luke's birthday party.  This used to be something I really looked forward to.   


Since I had kids, I have had my eyes opened to a new world of party madness for the 1-5 year old set.  The "Keeping up with the Jones'" mentality is illustrated no where better than in children's birthday parties.   Here is the new check list for a 'socially acceptable' birthday party.  If you aren't doing these things, you might as well just post a big sign on your kid that says, 'My family is poor and they don't love me."


Theme.  You must have a theme.  Princessess, Cars, Mickey Mouse, Tractors, Hello Kitty...Apparently "Happy Birthday" is no longer a theme. 

Fantastic location.  Examples: gymnastics center, cruise ship, Chuck E. Cheese, a museum, hotel banquet room, swimming pool, Disney World, etc.  Having your party at home?  Hmmmm....how quaint.  (My husband would probably prefer a location party, just to avoid the cleaning frenzy that is required before hosting a party at home.  However, the cheapness of our house always wins.)

Coordinating supplies This includes, but is not limited to invitations, plates, napkins, decorations, table clothes, confetti, cups, banner, balloons....the sky is the limit.  Really good parents even get these items personalized. 

Coordinating cake.  The cake is still the most pure form of the child's birthday celebration.  I personally, enjoy making my kid's birthday cakes.  They may not be pretty, but I like doing it. 

Organized games.  If you Google something like 'Cars party games' you will be MORTIFIED at how elaborate some of these parties are.  I came across one mom who started building props for the  games six months before the actual party!  She worked on painting and constructing every weekend for six months.  And seemed really proud of it.  Ugh.  Maybe as kids get a little older structure is good, but for my little ones, no one ever wants to do the 'activities' I have planned.  Maybe I just plan crappy activites.  Or maybe if I picked a cooler location activities aren't an issue.
If I remember correctly, at Luke's 3rd birthday party, most of the kids played on a dirt mound behind our house for about four hours.  Or how about this?  How about we can play with the thousands of dollars worth of toys in our house?  Small children don't want to be told what to do....other people's toys are usually interesting enough. 

Full meal. This full meal must be able to be enjoyed by children and parents alike, otherwise you have to have two meals.  Luckily, you can still get away with pizza. 

Supercute Birthday Shirt/Outfit. This shirt/outfit can acceptably be purchased at Gymboree or from Carter's as long as it says "Birthday Girl" or "I'm Three Today."  Really good parents obviously order these outfits from etsy or a boutique and have them personalized.  (guilty.)

Treat Bags.  This one really gets me.  Who decided the best way to show little Tommy you appreciate him coming to your party was by giving him a bag of crap?  Not to mention environmentally irresponsible.  How about a plastic frog, plastic maze, a pad of paper, an eraser and a pencil?  I have been told this idea came about to make it easier for the child not getting presents to feel like he left with something.  Ummm....how about he got some cake and to play with his friends?  Isn't being the one who gets the presents part of what makes birthdays special?  I don't think teaching your kid it's just not their turn to get presents is a bad thing.  I mean really, you wouldn't want to pay for 20 kids to eat pizza and play at Chuck E. Cheese and then send them home empty handed.  How rude.   


All this costs more than what we spent on our kids for Christmas!  And Christmas was really over the top! 

In my humble opinion, which I am sure you have enough of today, as long as you do something your child likes to do with people that love them, it's you have given them a good birthday.  Try not to beat yourself up not throwing the party of the century.  There really are still plenty of children in the world that have never had a birthday party.   

Now where did I put that DJ's phone number?

The Perfect Family Photo

Ever since Baby Allie joined our family over a year ago, I have been desperate to get the perfect picture of our completed family.  I have scheduled at least four different sessions with the dream of getting that one frameable photo I can admire for the rest of my life.

Every holiday, birthday, or special event, I dream of what outifts we are all going to be wearing when we finally get the perfect family photo.  I shop diligently to find the kids matching clothes and something I can wear to subtly coordinate. (Like it totally wasn't planned.) 

Really sweet, hardworking photographers have tried to help me accomplish this life long dream, but even their talent and professional equiptment cannot force all four our my family members to look at the camera and smile at the same time.  Even our Christmas card featured two seperate pictures of our children because we could not get a picture of them together that was Christmas card worthy.  (An admittedly very high standard.)

You would think the most obvious problem would be getting the baby to smile and look in the right direction.  While this is indeed tricky, I have two bigger problems.

The first one is getting this little guy to stay in the same place.  Additionally, when the camera comes out, Luke makes bizarre faces I have never even seen.  (see below)  He is trying to smile, but it is absolutely terrible.  The only way to make him truly laugh is to randomly shout a potty word, like 'fart' or 'poo poo.'  Yes, I have even gone down that desperate path, but it is very hard for the rest of us do look pretty while shouting "tootie, toot, toot". 

Luke 'smiles' for the camera.

The second major problem is getting this big guy to smile.

Hubby's true feelings about pictures are captured in this heartwarming Ryall classic.

We all know my husband is a trained killer.  He's not going to lose any street cred by smiling.  This expression has appropriately earned him the nickname 'Angry Jon' by his comrades.  And this isn't even his really mean face.  Try explaining this picture to your friends who have never met him.  "He really is a sweet guy.  This just isn't a good picture.  No really, he doesn't kick babies.  That's just his natural expression." 

Also, I am forbidden to dress the hubby for pictures, so his wardrobe is always a crap shoot.  This lack of control  stresses me out infinitely, which is probably why he does it.  (As you can see, I did choose his shirt in the above photo.  It was not a good day at the Ryall house.)

Where does this unhealthy need to have a perfect family photo come from?  There was an episode of Modern Family where Claire says she just wants to remember her children exactly as they are in that minute, which is probably true for most of you.  (And also a hilarious episode for my fellow control freak mommies.)

I, on the other hand, have a cynical belief that someone in my immediate family is going to die suddenly and we will never have a complete family picture.  While this may sound completely insane to some, I have had some pretty crazy experiences that have led me to this belief.  The day after my son was born, we discovered a brain hemmorage that caused seizures and apnea, and just over a year later my husband took an IED to the face in Afghanistan, causing brain injuries and about a billion other problems.  So, from where I have been sitting, we need to get this picture pronto before someone has an aneurysm. 

The bottom line is I will never have a pefect family photo unless I get a new family.......and I would never do that.  Maybe it's time to live in the moment rather than try to capture the moment.

I am actually holding Allie's arm because she just punched me in the face. 
That is why Jon is smiling.  And Luke....well, say 'cheeeese!!!!

I would love to see your favorite family photos!

PS - The inspiration for this piece was actually a photo session from last summer.  It was the worst group of pictures I have ever seen.  We went to a 'studio' which shall rename nameless and did not purchase a single picture.  We couldn't have taken worse pictures if we had said, "Ok.  Everyone make the worst face you can think of."  The poses were sooo awkward and Luke actually looked like he was being strangled in one.  The pictures were removed from their website a while back and I am wishing I had purchased them just for the laughs they provided.  I did contact the company, so if they really still exist in cyberspace I am looking forward to posting them.

My Kids Aren't Going to Watch TV (And Other Stupid Things I Said Before I Had Kids)

We all did it.  We all talked with our friends at dinner, in our dorms, on the phone.  We all talked about how our kids would NEVER do xyz. 

Ha!  That is all I have to say.  I would like to publicly appologize to everyone I ever thought I would be a better parent than.

When I was pregnant with my first child, my husband and I had a long list of things we would and wouldn't do.  The first, and probably most laughable, was the idea that if we never gave our son a pacifer, he wouldn't know what he was missing and we would never have that five year old with the pacifer problem.  (Of course, the pacifer would be known by it's proper name, not binky or bop or another silly name.)

This obviously lasted about 15 minutes after he was born.  Pacifers are the world's greatest invention (next to DVR, of course). 

Then there is the classic, I won't use TV as a babysitter.  I have to admit I did put up a noble effort on the TV front for about a year.  Then, well, sometimes life just happens.  My husband was injured in Afghanistan in 2008, when Luke was 16 months old.  (Another story for another day.)  We moved into a hotel room in Texas while he was in the hospital and guess what Luke did?  He learned to watch TV.  He was a natural.

Then when our second came along, TV became my best friend.  In fairytale land I would have Luke engaged in art or play-doh as I prepared to nurse the baby, which would last the scheduled 15 minutes and then we would all go play outside.  I know some of you are belly laughing now because this NEVER EVER HAPPENED.  I meant for it to, I would have liked that, but in reality, it just didn't happen.  Sometimes TV was the only way to keep at least one child (or Mommy) from crying.

Let's see...my kids weren't going to eat fast food, they would only eat at the table, my furniture would not be sticky, they wouldn't run around in restaurants, would eat all veggies, wouldn't play in the Chuck E. Cheese germ factory, would never go out in their pajamas.....the list goes on. 

Why am I telling you this?  To remind you that you are a good parent.  Even if your kid is in Pull-Ups until first grade and watches Sesame Street over his cold, sugary cereal every morning, you are doing a great job. No one tells you that your kids are going to come programmed with their own little personalities and you can't change them.  Why would you want to?   Sometimes you just have to use the resources you have available, even if it's....gasp....the third show they have watched today. 

My Baby Ate My Brain

I used to be smart.  Really. 


When I became pregnant, a strange thing happened.  I started forgetting simple facts.  I couldn't recall 'big' words.  Tasks that were once easy were suddenly completely overwhelming.  I would know what I wanted to say, but I had no way to say it. 


I had developed a sudden and acute case of Mommy Brain.

My mother suffered from Mommy Brain and my brother and I teased her relentlessly.  She used to say things like, "Get off the table and set the phone!" or "Get the sporks and foons!"  She would somehow never call anyone by the right name.  Example, "Jon, Mark, Ted, Josh.....whatever your name is!"  She recently told me she was using the 'epileptical machine'.  (That's an eliptical machine if you don't have Mom Brain.)


We of course thought she had just been born with an intellectual inferiority that we somehow avoided through good genetic fortune.  I now realize that there was probably a time when my mother did not have Mommy Brain.


As I was sitting in a board meeting today (my first professional meeting in five years), I realized my Mommy Brain had eaten my Professional Brain.  The chairperson looked at me and said "Stephanie, so tell us what brings you here."


Simple enough....it's a straightforward question.  My heart started racing, my eyes went wide and nowhere in my Mommy Brain was a intelligent sentence forming.  Why am I here?  Ummmmm..... Why am I here? 


I was smiling like the village idiot as my always plaguing red hives crept up my neck and face.  Why didn't I wear a turtleneck?  Ugh...  Twenty pairs of eyes were staring at me, anxious to know what brought this fresh 'young' face to their organization.  My only consolation was that appearing nervous is typically received in an endearing fashion and it sets the bar low.  I could only go up from here. 

(The end of this story is very lame.  I mumbled something about community involvement and proceded to busy myself with fictitious notes.)


Anyhow, this disease has caused me to find objects, such as my cell phone, in the refrigerator.  It once caused me to shop for nearly two hours in Wal-Mart with two small children AND go through the entire check out process before I realized my wallet was at home.    

My SIL had a Mommy Brain experience that still makes me laugh when I think of it.  She was on an elevator full of adults and somehow bumped her head.  She then said, outloud, "Oh Bonk!"  as if her one year old had bumped her head. 


If I had known having kids was going to kill so many brain cells, I would have chosen a more fun route, like smoking copious amounts of pot.

The worst part of Mommy Brain is it blurs the line between appropriate and inappropriate.  Is poop an appropriate topic?  I think most of those with Mommy Brain would say yes. 


If you have suffered from Mommy Brain, sharing your best moments makes us feel better about ours. 
I know I have a dozen hilarious Mommy Brain stories, but I can't remember any of them.